Unfriended

It is very interesting to me the way people I know use social networks.  I logged in this morning to discover I have now been "unfriended" by my son-in-law, as has my husband.  We have also been "unfriended" by his wife, my husband's daughter.  We are friends with the two older girls, 17 and 14, but we have been denied access to be friends with the 4 year old, who has a page, maintained by her mom, I am guessing. 

You would think "unfriending" would happen when you crossed someone, said unkind things, did unkind acts, posted untrue statements.  We did none of these things.  We didn't even post on their pages. (We did read their rants.  There were quite a few of them.  They ranted incessantly about the liberals and those who receive assistance and the horrors of politics in our state.  They raved about injustice and patriotism. They raved against those who live exactly the way they do. They raved that all their criminal activity was due to the children and they would do it all again if they had too.  It would be humorous, except we can no longer read them, we were "unfriended".)

What happened in our case, was while we were courting and getting around to getting married over the past year, these folks, grown children mind you ,(37-38 years old) were unemployed and living in my husband's house.  They had been living there for quite some time, a couple of years, since the death of his previous wife, her mother.  They moved in because they were both unemployed and my husband was battling leukemia at the time.  He was paying the bills at their residence and figured he would see some savings if they moved into his large home. 

At that point, the son-in-law hadn't had a job in several years.  He had a "back injury" when he came into the picture and from all appearances was waiting for a settlement that never came. There was always a reason he couldn't get work and when he finally went to a temp agency after 4 years of unemployment, he worked for one week before quitting because they "made fun of him and ridiculed him".  He refused all retail, refused the gas station, refused all suggestions of work - he appeared to be waiting for a supervisory position.

There were other circumstances leading to their financial woes, the birth of a child with medical problems 4 years ago, the bad economy, so on and so forth.  The situation did not improve and grew even more interesting last November, when they had a fourth child, another daughter.  Neither employed, still living in my husband's house and yes, another baby. 

My husband, after completing his chemo, decided to venture out of the basement, where he and they thought he would wither and die.  He went into remission and he called me for dinner.  (We were co-workers a few years ago.)

As our relationship progressed, and he began to stay at my home, on the other side of town, things started changing at his home.  With her dead mother's debit card, the two began "subsidizing" their unemployment check and food stamps from her dad's checking account.  At first, a few dollars here and there, added on as cash at the grocery store.  He knew they occasionally used the card.  He didn't raise objections because the charges had been minimal.  However, as last spring turned into last summer, and we decided to get married at the end of the year, their "subsidies" ramped up.  While he wasn't paying attention to what was being spent, these two managed to deplete the checking account of thousands of dollars.  My husband kept moving money from other accounts, thinking we were spending the cash during our outings, dinners, etc. He was preoccupied with our relationship.  He was not keeping up with his money.

We married on New Year's Eve in Las Vegas.   He was living in my home all the time now.  He rarely even went over to his home.  We delayed in changing over all the banking and such while we were getting set up.  That was a big mistake.  During the two months after our wedding, these two ramped up their spending.  Day after day, big cash withdrawals from ATMs, cash added to every trip to the grocery,  sometimes up to 3 trips a day, $9.50 a trip for Dutch Brothers coffee.  They were living it up.  On Daddy's money. I didn't previously mention, that Daddy still paid ALL the living expenses.  The regular stuff, garbage, water, rent, electricity, but also, cable, internet, phone....they had all the luxuries.  (I might add, we have no cable, no wireless internet and until last week, no garbage service.  Hell, for the past 3-4 years we haven't had heat.  I couldn't afford the inflated electric and natural gas bills caused by running the furnace.)

By the time we went to the bank to change things around, resources were depleted.  From May of last year to September, they spent about $4000.00.  All of this spending was on top of living expenses and gifts.  From September to March, they spent $14,000.00.  They spent almost $6,000 just during January.   We gifted them at Christmas.  The week before Christmas, we took the teens shopping for under things and pj's, spending almost $300.00.  We gifted each child around $100 in gifts and each parent close to the same.  I cooked Christmas dinner and took it to them, even though we were not going to join them to eat.  No one even said thank you.  Not one of them.  The food was left wrapped in foil on the table.  Each kid took some macaroni and cheese.  The adults ignored the food. 

We confronted them in March with the charges on the debit card.  At first they denied they spent the money. When my husband told them the charges were made on the debit card in their possession, they admitted it was them.  That prompted a long rant on his daughter's page about how they did it all for the girls.  During the confrontation, the son-in-law said, "I just wanted them to have a normal life".  Yeah.  A normal life.  To give kids a normal life, you get a job and work for the money.  You don't steal your aging father-in-law's entire bank account.

So, my husband's retirement is delayed.  His savings account depleted.  He is trying to understand and rebuild, but he is devastated and crushed by their betrayal and his misplaced trust.  They act somewhat cavalier.  It seems they felt completely justified in these behaviors.  Oh yeah, to add insult to injury, they charged up over $1200.00 on a gas credit card and hid the electric bill, after working out a payment plan with the utility, which they did not honor.  So we are having to pay for gas station purchases we didn't make as well as paying their double electric bills.  We did not discover these facts until we had his address changed and his mail started coming to my home.  They had been pulling out select items from his mail, so he would not discover them. We have ordered credit reports on him and his deceased wife to make sure they haven't opened any new accounts.  We sort of doubt this because during this time, my husband's credit has been damaged by slow and unpaid bills on accounts he did not even know were being used. 

So, we were "Unfriended".  We were dissed to my husband's larger family. We didn't say anything to the family about this.  We didn't even really say much to the offenders.  The son-in-law left for NY state to "work" at the end of April.  The idea was he would go and set up for them.  The daughter and the two babies were going to join him.  Prior to the "unfriending" they both posted that this would only be 30-60-90 days max, we saw this repeated over several days.  It is the middle of July.  The last time my husband tried to get an idea of when they would be leaving, she said it would be  before the 4th of July.  That was 14 days ago.  We  went over this weekend to drop a birthday gift off for the 4 year old.  The house is destroyed.  There were 3 weeks at least worth of dirty dishes in the kitchen.  The smell of rotted food and diapers was heavy in the air.  She was supposedly "packing", but repeatedly said she was "taking nothing" with her.  The son-in-law is "working 6 days a week at his old job - he is getting overtime, yadda yadda yadda".  Why are they still here?  When will he make enough to buy 3 plane tickets?  The older girls aren't even going with them.  Many, many questions, no answers.

All kinds of comments can be made and yes, some blame is ours.  The procrastination cost us dearly and is continuing to cost us.  Stronger actions aren't taken because of the children.  Me, as the new wife following a wife of 44 years, I don't count.  Not with the daughter, the son-in-law or my husband's siblings.  I have taken a lot of bad press during this.  I also got unfriended by my husband's niece, who chats with his daughter.  She doesn't know me from Adam.  She asked to be my friend, but due to her cousin's comments, she "unfriended" me as well.  I haven't done a damn thing negative to a damn one of them.  Not a one of them.

"Unfriended", no shit.